The sea monster within
The weight of my memories can be a curse to those who tried to claim me, even if I don’t consciously intend it to be, a perpetual reminder of their own darkness. It takes them in it‘s tentacles and never let’s them go. I'd prefer not to burden anyone with that legacy anymore.
My ex husband and the father of my children still waxes nostalgic about old times when we were in love, occasionally. That ship sailed when he could not understand that he had to leave alcohol behind as a coping mechanism to fulfill our vow to not raise our children in the chaos we both grew up in. He still does not fully accept his own part in how things ended.
Most of my exes remember me as something that was too intense and consuming that they took for granted. Even a noncommittal, polyamorous ex got possessive of me and tried to “save” me from what he saw as me getting taken for a ride by a big, bad wolf. He didn’t realize his judgment was a mirror.
Taking time to be single has been critical to understand how I was attracting certain situations into my life as a projection of dynamics I grew up with. I wanted to find “someone who also knew darkness“ but never found anyone who wanted to dissolve into that darkness and arise a Phoenix, like me. What I really wanted was for the addict/alcoholic to choose me and a family over the spirits that bound him, subconsciously. I was bored by anything that could not follow that script.
Now, I understand that, and realize that I can adjust the script if needed. It takes time to rewrite the scripts of our souls and it’s tempting if you see the opportunity to follow the original story line that the soul wants.
I do know that I won’t settle for anything less than someone who is as righteous beneath the darkness of what life has done to us as me. Jesus must be in his heart and Christ consciousness must be his goal. He also must understand Lucifer and be able to give him a big hug and soften his pain. I have someone in my life who is like this at his best. It’s always a risk.
I view this life as the roller coaster ride I signed up for and am the observer of what occurs at this point in it. I go where my heart leads me to go, and my heart wants peace profound for my children but is also a sucker for an artsy and intense love story. Let us all find exactly what we are looking for and be happy and free from suffering. Namaste.
